Out of the blue, my 10-year old son asked, "What makes me ME and you YOU?" I stared at him, pondering, and he said, "Seriously, Mom-think about it. Why am I ME?!" Suggestions welcome!🤣
You have a philosopher on your hands! Existential phenomenology. Next question: Is your color green the same as my color green? Maybe as simple as the fact that while he may have skinned his hand sliding into base, you only saw it. While he smelled supper cooking, you chopped vegetables, started the grill, etc. To a degree we are all silos of experience that is solely our own. His question signaled that he recognized that, and opened a conversation that will be a mutual experience.
"...a conversation that will be a mutual experience." I love the way you put that, Kathleen. And you're absolutely right. While I'd love to say I responded to him with something instantly profound, it's more satisfying to puzzle over the possibilities, to giggle over how much we don't know, and to be curious together.
Wow, Jenny! What an incredible question to be asked by your son. It might be worth asking him a few questions about what he's most interested in knowing more about... and using that as a springboard for more conversation and research. This first question that I would ask him is, "What do you think makes me ME and you YOU?"
Then you might ask more questions to find out if he's more interested in the physicality of difference, or asking him if he's interested in exploring differences in identity related to gender, roles, likes/dislikes, etc. would be a good starting point. OR asking if he's thinking about the "Big Picture" philosophical or spiritual nature of what makes you YOU and him HIM, then give him a few ways of viewing these kinds of questions, by saying something like, "Some would say that we are all one, and that perceived difference is an illusion. Others might say that we come from one Spirit and return to the very same one-ness when we leave this phenomenal world, and in-between we have specific roles, duties, and obligations to fulfill. Others would say something else entirely. What would you say?"
Such a rich question with so many possibilities for conversation. I can't wait to hear how it goes!
Thank you for these thoughful suggestions, Lisa:). My little guy has always kept me on my toes, and I've been forced (in a good way) to clarify my own questions and belief systems to feel better equipped to engage! And you're right—turning the question back to him is an excellent starting point.
You're welcome, Jenny! It sounds like your son is super-inquisitive, and very lucky to have you as a mom. It's really inspiring to hear that he's asking such questions at his age. I hope his question yields some interesting explorations of what it is to be human – we're all trying to figure that one out ;)
A few year back I wrote a poem entitled when I am me.
I had been through a deep hurt and felt like I could trust no one. I knew that I had only myself for me. So I began by trying to find out who I was. This led me to a deep place where I found that inside me was an interior world that was spacious, and safe, someone was there waiting to know me.
And along the way, I found that there are questions that wait for me to ask and at the same time, there were answers that could not be heard. And when I pondered further, I found that I didnt want to ask questions because some questions had no answers! But again, whatever was on the interior of my being was spirit with nothing in the matter.... whole, even and flowing freely within me. And then I found flow and my hurt was swept down stream and I healed.
Hello Jenny. Here is a book that I like to read to my students at the start of each school year, it has the title, "Why Am I Me?" and the answers are very open ended and just inspire more inquiry.
I was sitting across a therapist for my first 1:1 family constellation therapy and between us was a small round table with figurines I had chosen (out of a large collection she had) to represent members of my family. It’s a somewhat hypnotic process, speaking to and from deeper layers of consciousness. Where one chooses to place the figurines says something, has significance. Who is next to whom, who is foreground, background, sitting, standing, close to, apart from... When my parents and siblings were placed on the table, it was time to select the figurine to represent myself. She asked me: “ And where are you?”
Thanks for sharing Mona. I had a similar therapeutic experience years ago as I was separating from my ex after almost 40 years. It was one of the best sessions I’d had with a therapist I’d seen off and on for over 10 years. I was able to surround her with stones representing people in her life and I was outside that circle. So confusing being alone/unneeded and free at the same time.
“How could you read my mind?” asked of me by a second grader I tutor in reading when I brought him the exact book he had been longing for at the school book fair but couldn’t afford to purchase.
I too failed at Ulysses. I realized my holding on to books is mostly when they are recommended by friends and loved ones. There’s a fear of disappointing others that pulls at me. Work in progress. So glad you joined us at POP. 😊
Thanks very much Mary. I did enjoy it very much. And I must admit that as I have gotten older it is much easier to give up on a book that does not grab me in the first 20 pages. There are far too many books I want too read and limited time. The only recent exception was my third or fourth attempt to read Ulysses about 4 or 5 years ago. I was determined that I was going to finish it that time. I got as far as 100 pages before I gave up on it for what I am sure will be forever. It was much further than I had gotten before but I couldn’t see it to the end.
My family and I were just talking at dinner last night about common, unanswerable questions that we are frequently asked. For me, it’s “what’s it like being a twin.” For my husband, it’s “what’s it like being color blind?” Neither of us has a good answer, since it’s the only experience we’ve lived. We usually reply with some variation of “What’s it like to not be a twin?” And “What does green look like to you?”
Last week I attended an Eckhart Tolle webinar about practicing and teaching what he calls "Presence." His modeling of Presence throughout the presentation was profound in its simplicity: in between speaking, he simply paused for longer than might be normal and reminded listeners to be present by paying more attention to being in the moment than to the thinking mind.
So the question that I asked myself for the rest of the week was, "How can I be more present?" I was able to practice presence a few times (when I remembered to do so), but there was one time that really stood out: During a heated discussion with my partner - on a triggering subject for both of us - I reminded myself to practice listening deeply to what he was saying, and to practice presence. The tone of the discussion immediately shifted to kindness, and my partner revealed what was really going on underneath his original argument.
This moment was profound because it taught me that it's possible to shift challenging situations simply by approaching them differently – with presence. For me, practicing presence means a combination of holding space for the other, deep listening, letting go of the need to be "right," and opening to something that is bigger, and not separate from, "me" in the process.
So beautiful, Lisa. It’s kind of jarring to think that we should have to practice presence (or remind ourselves to utilize it as a skill), but I can see so many examples of how this practice could change relationships and situations! As you often do, you’ve given me something to think about. Thank you for sharing this. ♥️
You're so welcome, and thank you for your thoughtful response, Mandy.
Yes, it is a wonder that this is something we have to remember to do, isn't it? Often my mind wanders in so many ways that it's a challenge to be present, to not wander. Being present is definitely a practice for me, and nice to see such immediate results, to know that it works.
Thank you for sharing Lisa. Your story is resonant with the question that arose this week for me and the practice of presence you speak of….”practice listening deeply” and pausing for longer than might be normal has been enormous act of kindness and generosity. Blessings.
I know the knock of the pre-schooler from next door. Delivery men ring the doorbell and I can sometime spot them getting into their truck, or hear them driving away. But this small escapee from his yard loves the door knocker. He has a gentle knock, a skipping rhythm. I can’t see his head in the door’s window. Yesterday he brought me a muffin tin with five colored balls and a squishy, and a handful of burrs. “These will stick in your hair,” he said, handing them to me. We walked back toward his house, and he chose to walk on the rocks bordering the sprouting blackberry lilies. I warned him about their looseness, and offered my hand. He walked as though he was on a tightrope, paused and looked at me before a larger stone. “Is that one wobbly?” he asked. “It would be for me” I said, “but I am bigger.” He stepped and it rocked under his feet, and I held his hand tight. “It was wobbly” he said. “Because I am half grown up.”
What a set of gifts you received from that sweet pre-schooler, Kathleen. A colorful muffin tin of round things, a walk holding hands, that wonderful question that he asked you before stepping on the wobbly stone, and then his answers - Wow! These sorts of gifts are the kinds I really treasure. I will carry this beautiful imagery with me into the week – thanks so much for painting such a lovely picture of gentleness and wonder!
As I wrestle with my transition into retirement, a close friend asked me “What is one of your greatest teachers?” He was not asking who but what. His answer was how suffering has been a continual teacher. For me it is more centered on my lifetime of learning from leaving behind my entire culture and living in a developing society in my 20s. I find a good question is much often times more valuable than a good answer.
I was asked how much was needed to move forward with a community project. The question was asked in the tone of sweet curiosity and genuine interest. It was a rare question that brought me to my knees. As some may gather from reading Matters of Kinship, I love telling stories about reciprocity in nature. In this case I witnessed generous human reciprocity. Gratitude🌱
I was trying to think of some deeply intellectual thing that I’ve been asked this week that was unusual, but upon reflection, the most impactful thing was a simple question from my therapist. I was talking myself in circles (on brand for me…), and she simply asked me how the thing I was grappling with felt in my body. It was a reminder that though I may try to think my way out of everything, sometimes I need to feel my way out, too. I love those kinds of reminders of how complex and brilliant these mind/body systems are. Wishing you all a peaceful week.
I had a former student return to my classroom this week that I haven’t seen in 12 years. She taught my classes and she asked me and my current students, “what do you get out of acting that you can’t get anywhere else” It’s a great question and I think we can apply it to all our passion projects. What do you get out of knitting? Playing soccer? Mountain climbing? Studying theology? Writing poetry that you don’t get anywhere else?
(Also Padraig - I’ll be at Kanuga in June. Very excited!)
I've been in Phoenix the last few days for a several day celebration of my Mom's 103rd birthday. I was at an extended family gathering yesterday and having a very engaged conversation with a young man I'd just met, who happened to be a good friend of my cousin (once removed) whose party it was -- celebrating his 50th birthday. It turns out this young man was also childhood friends with my mother's young Rabbi who I happened to have had another conversation with a few days ago about aging and hospice, etc regarding navigating my responsibilities and grief around my mother's decline. The young man and I started talking about how we're not religious Jews but still there's some things that are interesting about Jewish ethics and thinking. I told him about a book I'd read called Witness by Ariel Burger who was a teaching assistant for many years at Boston University with Elie Wiesel. The conversation was going swimmingly when suddenly he said something like, yeah, I'm ok with different opinion regarding Judaism, but it really bugs me when Jews don't stand up for the Israeli flag. (I think he thought I was going to agree with him. Instead I tensed and ran through thoughts in my mind as to whether I should say anything) I said, I don't stand up for the Israeli flag. He looked at me with this shocked expression and I was prepared to get yelled at, berated, and dismissed. Instead he said simply, calmly, Can you tell me why? It was my turn to be shocked. And then further, when we sat down for a deeper conversation about it, and I went on and on (because it's SO friggin' complicated and I'm not used to explaining my reasoning), I noticed he actually listened to everything I said.. We didn't argue. He said Thank you for explaining your thoughts to me this. I hadn't thought about it like this, and I will think about it further. He didn't say he agreed with me and I didn't need him to. To be asked a sincere question and to be listened to is rare in my experience. It was a powerful experience. As usual, thank YOU, Padraig, for your most thoughtful questions and generation of conversations that feel valuable and enriching in many ways.
I heard a yoga therapist on a podcast this week suggest this question to someone who is dealing with a difficult diagnosis or providing full-time care to someone else. Rather than asking, “How do you feel?”, ask “What is your biggest feeling right now?”
I work as a coach and there is a question I sometimes ask when I have a lot of trust with the person I work with - and its a question I know I have not wanted to be asked for a lot of my own life too.
Out of the blue, my 10-year old son asked, "What makes me ME and you YOU?" I stared at him, pondering, and he said, "Seriously, Mom-think about it. Why am I ME?!" Suggestions welcome!🤣
You have a philosopher on your hands! Existential phenomenology. Next question: Is your color green the same as my color green? Maybe as simple as the fact that while he may have skinned his hand sliding into base, you only saw it. While he smelled supper cooking, you chopped vegetables, started the grill, etc. To a degree we are all silos of experience that is solely our own. His question signaled that he recognized that, and opened a conversation that will be a mutual experience.
"...a conversation that will be a mutual experience." I love the way you put that, Kathleen. And you're absolutely right. While I'd love to say I responded to him with something instantly profound, it's more satisfying to puzzle over the possibilities, to giggle over how much we don't know, and to be curious together.
Wow what an intriquing questuon from a 10 year old!
But I think what makes me me is my inner life - so private and i like that no one can really tell my secret thoughts😅
Wow, Jenny! What an incredible question to be asked by your son. It might be worth asking him a few questions about what he's most interested in knowing more about... and using that as a springboard for more conversation and research. This first question that I would ask him is, "What do you think makes me ME and you YOU?"
Then you might ask more questions to find out if he's more interested in the physicality of difference, or asking him if he's interested in exploring differences in identity related to gender, roles, likes/dislikes, etc. would be a good starting point. OR asking if he's thinking about the "Big Picture" philosophical or spiritual nature of what makes you YOU and him HIM, then give him a few ways of viewing these kinds of questions, by saying something like, "Some would say that we are all one, and that perceived difference is an illusion. Others might say that we come from one Spirit and return to the very same one-ness when we leave this phenomenal world, and in-between we have specific roles, duties, and obligations to fulfill. Others would say something else entirely. What would you say?"
Such a rich question with so many possibilities for conversation. I can't wait to hear how it goes!
Thank you for these thoughful suggestions, Lisa:). My little guy has always kept me on my toes, and I've been forced (in a good way) to clarify my own questions and belief systems to feel better equipped to engage! And you're right—turning the question back to him is an excellent starting point.
You're welcome, Jenny! It sounds like your son is super-inquisitive, and very lucky to have you as a mom. It's really inspiring to hear that he's asking such questions at his age. I hope his question yields some interesting explorations of what it is to be human – we're all trying to figure that one out ;)
@Jenny will you keep us posted when you come up with the "right" answer for this :) ? Why am i ME? oooooooof
A few year back I wrote a poem entitled when I am me.
I had been through a deep hurt and felt like I could trust no one. I knew that I had only myself for me. So I began by trying to find out who I was. This led me to a deep place where I found that inside me was an interior world that was spacious, and safe, someone was there waiting to know me.
And along the way, I found that there are questions that wait for me to ask and at the same time, there were answers that could not be heard. And when I pondered further, I found that I didnt want to ask questions because some questions had no answers! But again, whatever was on the interior of my being was spirit with nothing in the matter.... whole, even and flowing freely within me. And then I found flow and my hurt was swept down stream and I healed.
Oh how profound kiddos are!! I love this. Also, now he’s got me asking the same thing. ♥️
Hello Jenny. Here is a book that I like to read to my students at the start of each school year, it has the title, "Why Am I Me?" and the answers are very open ended and just inspire more inquiry.
https://bookshop.org/p/books/why-am-i-me-paige-britt/6941137?ean=9781338053142
This looks wonderful, Anna! Something my son knows for certain? I can't say "no" to a good book recommendation;-)...
Hi! I’m Meri from Argentina. I invite you to read my magazine “REVISTA AMERINDIA”. I hope you like my stories.
You know yourself and I know myself best
I was sitting across a therapist for my first 1:1 family constellation therapy and between us was a small round table with figurines I had chosen (out of a large collection she had) to represent members of my family. It’s a somewhat hypnotic process, speaking to and from deeper layers of consciousness. Where one chooses to place the figurines says something, has significance. Who is next to whom, who is foreground, background, sitting, standing, close to, apart from... When my parents and siblings were placed on the table, it was time to select the figurine to represent myself. She asked me: “ And where are you?”
Thanks for sharing Mona. I had a similar therapeutic experience years ago as I was separating from my ex after almost 40 years. It was one of the best sessions I’d had with a therapist I’d seen off and on for over 10 years. I was able to surround her with stones representing people in her life and I was outside that circle. So confusing being alone/unneeded and free at the same time.
Wow- perhaps that is a question we get to ask our inner (selves) all the time. "Ad where are you?"
Exactly!
Hi! I’m Meri from Argentina. I invite you to read my magazine “REVISTA AMERINDIA”. I hope you like my stories.
My goodness. One of those simple, unemotional, easy to answer questions therapists like to ask. Existentialism 101!
“Has the moon evolved over time?” Thanks to the full moon last week, there were many ponderings...
Ooooooh. Mmmmmm. Thanks for that.
Now I’m going to have to look for comparison pictures!!
“How could you read my mind?” asked of me by a second grader I tutor in reading when I brought him the exact book he had been longing for at the school book fair but couldn’t afford to purchase.
Tell him that’s your super power⚡️
Thanks Kathleen, he will love that!!!🫶🦸🏼🤸♂️
Beautiful Jane!
Thank you Mary, it truly warmed my heart.
I too failed at Ulysses. I realized my holding on to books is mostly when they are recommended by friends and loved ones. There’s a fear of disappointing others that pulls at me. Work in progress. So glad you joined us at POP. 😊
I’m very happy to join POP and look forward to reading more.
Jane, As a person committed to matching folks with books, you might like this post. https://pocketfulofprose.substack.com/p/why-is-it-so-hard-to-divorce-a-book
Thanks very much Mary. I did enjoy it very much. And I must admit that as I have gotten older it is much easier to give up on a book that does not grab me in the first 20 pages. There are far too many books I want too read and limited time. The only recent exception was my third or fourth attempt to read Ulysses about 4 or 5 years ago. I was determined that I was going to finish it that time. I got as far as 100 pages before I gave up on it for what I am sure will be forever. It was much further than I had gotten before but I couldn’t see it to the end.
My family and I were just talking at dinner last night about common, unanswerable questions that we are frequently asked. For me, it’s “what’s it like being a twin.” For my husband, it’s “what’s it like being color blind?” Neither of us has a good answer, since it’s the only experience we’ve lived. We usually reply with some variation of “What’s it like to not be a twin?” And “What does green look like to you?”
I love those questions you turn back! Those are wonderful.
Last week I attended an Eckhart Tolle webinar about practicing and teaching what he calls "Presence." His modeling of Presence throughout the presentation was profound in its simplicity: in between speaking, he simply paused for longer than might be normal and reminded listeners to be present by paying more attention to being in the moment than to the thinking mind.
So the question that I asked myself for the rest of the week was, "How can I be more present?" I was able to practice presence a few times (when I remembered to do so), but there was one time that really stood out: During a heated discussion with my partner - on a triggering subject for both of us - I reminded myself to practice listening deeply to what he was saying, and to practice presence. The tone of the discussion immediately shifted to kindness, and my partner revealed what was really going on underneath his original argument.
This moment was profound because it taught me that it's possible to shift challenging situations simply by approaching them differently – with presence. For me, practicing presence means a combination of holding space for the other, deep listening, letting go of the need to be "right," and opening to something that is bigger, and not separate from, "me" in the process.
So beautiful, Lisa. It’s kind of jarring to think that we should have to practice presence (or remind ourselves to utilize it as a skill), but I can see so many examples of how this practice could change relationships and situations! As you often do, you’ve given me something to think about. Thank you for sharing this. ♥️
You're so welcome, and thank you for your thoughtful response, Mandy.
Yes, it is a wonder that this is something we have to remember to do, isn't it? Often my mind wanders in so many ways that it's a challenge to be present, to not wander. Being present is definitely a practice for me, and nice to see such immediate results, to know that it works.
Presence, such a beautiful word in so many layers. Presence as distinct from charisma. An important distinction. Much food for thought here...
Thank you for sharing Lisa. Your story is resonant with the question that arose this week for me and the practice of presence you speak of….”practice listening deeply” and pausing for longer than might be normal has been enormous act of kindness and generosity. Blessings.
Mistaking a woman wearing a mask for someone she knew, my friend asked, “Is that you?” The woman replied, “Yes, it is.”
Oh my, thank you for a deep clear laugh... such good medicine in my body and soul this morning!
I know the knock of the pre-schooler from next door. Delivery men ring the doorbell and I can sometime spot them getting into their truck, or hear them driving away. But this small escapee from his yard loves the door knocker. He has a gentle knock, a skipping rhythm. I can’t see his head in the door’s window. Yesterday he brought me a muffin tin with five colored balls and a squishy, and a handful of burrs. “These will stick in your hair,” he said, handing them to me. We walked back toward his house, and he chose to walk on the rocks bordering the sprouting blackberry lilies. I warned him about their looseness, and offered my hand. He walked as though he was on a tightrope, paused and looked at me before a larger stone. “Is that one wobbly?” he asked. “It would be for me” I said, “but I am bigger.” He stepped and it rocked under his feet, and I held his hand tight. “It was wobbly” he said. “Because I am half grown up.”
What a set of gifts you received from that sweet pre-schooler, Kathleen. A colorful muffin tin of round things, a walk holding hands, that wonderful question that he asked you before stepping on the wobbly stone, and then his answers - Wow! These sorts of gifts are the kinds I really treasure. I will carry this beautiful imagery with me into the week – thanks so much for painting such a lovely picture of gentleness and wonder!
What a lovely experience. It hurts my heart a little!
As I wrestle with my transition into retirement, a close friend asked me “What is one of your greatest teachers?” He was not asking who but what. His answer was how suffering has been a continual teacher. For me it is more centered on my lifetime of learning from leaving behind my entire culture and living in a developing society in my 20s. I find a good question is much often times more valuable than a good answer.
THIS was what attracted me to my husband. A physics and math major, he asked the most intriguing questions.
I was asked how much was needed to move forward with a community project. The question was asked in the tone of sweet curiosity and genuine interest. It was a rare question that brought me to my knees. As some may gather from reading Matters of Kinship, I love telling stories about reciprocity in nature. In this case I witnessed generous human reciprocity. Gratitude🌱
I was trying to think of some deeply intellectual thing that I’ve been asked this week that was unusual, but upon reflection, the most impactful thing was a simple question from my therapist. I was talking myself in circles (on brand for me…), and she simply asked me how the thing I was grappling with felt in my body. It was a reminder that though I may try to think my way out of everything, sometimes I need to feel my way out, too. I love those kinds of reminders of how complex and brilliant these mind/body systems are. Wishing you all a peaceful week.
Is universal evolution dependent on my evolution? Is my evolution dependent on the universe?
Also
How are you taking care of today? (rather than using it!)
I had a former student return to my classroom this week that I haven’t seen in 12 years. She taught my classes and she asked me and my current students, “what do you get out of acting that you can’t get anywhere else” It’s a great question and I think we can apply it to all our passion projects. What do you get out of knitting? Playing soccer? Mountain climbing? Studying theology? Writing poetry that you don’t get anywhere else?
(Also Padraig - I’ll be at Kanuga in June. Very excited!)
I've been in Phoenix the last few days for a several day celebration of my Mom's 103rd birthday. I was at an extended family gathering yesterday and having a very engaged conversation with a young man I'd just met, who happened to be a good friend of my cousin (once removed) whose party it was -- celebrating his 50th birthday. It turns out this young man was also childhood friends with my mother's young Rabbi who I happened to have had another conversation with a few days ago about aging and hospice, etc regarding navigating my responsibilities and grief around my mother's decline. The young man and I started talking about how we're not religious Jews but still there's some things that are interesting about Jewish ethics and thinking. I told him about a book I'd read called Witness by Ariel Burger who was a teaching assistant for many years at Boston University with Elie Wiesel. The conversation was going swimmingly when suddenly he said something like, yeah, I'm ok with different opinion regarding Judaism, but it really bugs me when Jews don't stand up for the Israeli flag. (I think he thought I was going to agree with him. Instead I tensed and ran through thoughts in my mind as to whether I should say anything) I said, I don't stand up for the Israeli flag. He looked at me with this shocked expression and I was prepared to get yelled at, berated, and dismissed. Instead he said simply, calmly, Can you tell me why? It was my turn to be shocked. And then further, when we sat down for a deeper conversation about it, and I went on and on (because it's SO friggin' complicated and I'm not used to explaining my reasoning), I noticed he actually listened to everything I said.. We didn't argue. He said Thank you for explaining your thoughts to me this. I hadn't thought about it like this, and I will think about it further. He didn't say he agreed with me and I didn't need him to. To be asked a sincere question and to be listened to is rare in my experience. It was a powerful experience. As usual, thank YOU, Padraig, for your most thoughtful questions and generation of conversations that feel valuable and enriching in many ways.
These are the kinds of conversations that change the world.
I heard a yoga therapist on a podcast this week suggest this question to someone who is dealing with a difficult diagnosis or providing full-time care to someone else. Rather than asking, “How do you feel?”, ask “What is your biggest feeling right now?”
I work as a coach and there is a question I sometimes ask when I have a lot of trust with the person I work with - and its a question I know I have not wanted to be asked for a lot of my own life too.
The quesiton?
'What is the question you don't want me to ask'