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Out of the blue, my 10-year old son asked, "What makes me ME and you YOU?" I stared at him, pondering, and he said, "Seriously, Mom-think about it. Why am I ME?!" Suggestions welcome!🤣

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founding

I was sitting across a therapist for my first 1:1 family constellation therapy and between us was a small round table with figurines I had chosen (out of a large collection she had) to represent members of my family. It’s a somewhat hypnotic process, speaking to and from deeper layers of consciousness. Where one chooses to place the figurines says something, has significance. Who is next to whom, who is foreground, background, sitting, standing, close to, apart from... When my parents and siblings were placed on the table, it was time to select the figurine to represent myself. She asked me: “ And where are you?”

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“Has the moon evolved over time?” Thanks to the full moon last week, there were many ponderings...

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“How could you read my mind?” asked of me by a second grader I tutor in reading when I brought him the exact book he had been longing for at the school book fair but couldn’t afford to purchase.

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My family and I were just talking at dinner last night about common, unanswerable questions that we are frequently asked. For me, it’s “what’s it like being a twin.” For my husband, it’s “what’s it like being color blind?” Neither of us has a good answer, since it’s the only experience we’ve lived. We usually reply with some variation of “What’s it like to not be a twin?” And “What does green look like to you?”

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Last week I attended an Eckhart Tolle webinar about practicing and teaching what he calls "Presence." His modeling of Presence throughout the presentation was profound in its simplicity: in between speaking, he simply paused for longer than might be normal and reminded listeners to be present by paying more attention to being in the moment than to the thinking mind.

So the question that I asked myself for the rest of the week was, "How can I be more present?" I was able to practice presence a few times (when I remembered to do so), but there was one time that really stood out: During a heated discussion with my partner - on a triggering subject for both of us - I reminded myself to practice listening deeply to what he was saying, and to practice presence. The tone of the discussion immediately shifted to kindness, and my partner revealed what was really going on underneath his original argument.

This moment was profound because it taught me that it's possible to shift challenging situations simply by approaching them differently – with presence. For me, practicing presence means a combination of holding space for the other, deep listening, letting go of the need to be "right," and opening to something that is bigger, and not separate from, "me" in the process.

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Mistaking a woman wearing a mask for someone she knew, my friend asked, “Is that you?” The woman replied, “Yes, it is.”

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I know the knock of the pre-schooler from next door. Delivery men ring the doorbell and I can sometime spot them getting into their truck, or hear them driving away. But this small escapee from his yard loves the door knocker. He has a gentle knock, a skipping rhythm. I can’t see his head in the door’s window. Yesterday he brought me a muffin tin with five colored balls and a squishy, and a handful of burrs. “These will stick in your hair,” he said, handing them to me. We walked back toward his house, and he chose to walk on the rocks bordering the sprouting blackberry lilies. I warned him about their looseness, and offered my hand. He walked as though he was on a tightrope, paused and looked at me before a larger stone. “Is that one wobbly?” he asked. “It would be for me” I said, “but I am bigger.” He stepped and it rocked under his feet, and I held his hand tight. “It was wobbly” he said. “Because I am half grown up.”

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As I wrestle with my transition into retirement, a close friend asked me “What is one of your greatest teachers?” He was not asking who but what. His answer was how suffering has been a continual teacher. For me it is more centered on my lifetime of learning from leaving behind my entire culture and living in a developing society in my 20s. I find a good question is much often times more valuable than a good answer.

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I was asked how much was needed to move forward with a community project. The question was asked in the tone of sweet curiosity and genuine interest. It was a rare question that brought me to my knees. As some may gather from reading Matters of Kinship, I love telling stories about reciprocity in nature. In this case I witnessed generous human reciprocity. Gratitude🌱

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I was trying to think of some deeply intellectual thing that I’ve been asked this week that was unusual, but upon reflection, the most impactful thing was a simple question from my therapist. I was talking myself in circles (on brand for me…), and she simply asked me how the thing I was grappling with felt in my body. It was a reminder that though I may try to think my way out of everything, sometimes I need to feel my way out, too. I love those kinds of reminders of how complex and brilliant these mind/body systems are. Wishing you all a peaceful week.

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Is universal evolution dependent on my evolution? Is my evolution dependent on the universe?

Also

How are you taking care of today? (rather than using it!)

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I had a former student return to my classroom this week that I haven’t seen in 12 years. She taught my classes and she asked me and my current students, “what do you get out of acting that you can’t get anywhere else” It’s a great question and I think we can apply it to all our passion projects. What do you get out of knitting? Playing soccer? Mountain climbing? Studying theology? Writing poetry that you don’t get anywhere else?

(Also Padraig - I’ll be at Kanuga in June. Very excited!)

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I've been in Phoenix the last few days for a several day celebration of my Mom's 103rd birthday. I was at an extended family gathering yesterday and having a very engaged conversation with a young man I'd just met, who happened to be a good friend of my cousin (once removed) whose party it was -- celebrating his 50th birthday. It turns out this young man was also childhood friends with my mother's young Rabbi who I happened to have had another conversation with a few days ago about aging and hospice, etc regarding navigating my responsibilities and grief around my mother's decline. The young man and I started talking about how we're not religious Jews but still there's some things that are interesting about Jewish ethics and thinking. I told him about a book I'd read called Witness by Ariel Burger who was a teaching assistant for many years at Boston University with Elie Wiesel. The conversation was going swimmingly when suddenly he said something like, yeah, I'm ok with different opinion regarding Judaism, but it really bugs me when Jews don't stand up for the Israeli flag. (I think he thought I was going to agree with him. Instead I tensed and ran through thoughts in my mind as to whether I should say anything) I said, I don't stand up for the Israeli flag. He looked at me with this shocked expression and I was prepared to get yelled at, berated, and dismissed. Instead he said simply, calmly, Can you tell me why? It was my turn to be shocked. And then further, when we sat down for a deeper conversation about it, and I went on and on (because it's SO friggin' complicated and I'm not used to explaining my reasoning), I noticed he actually listened to everything I said.. We didn't argue. He said Thank you for explaining your thoughts to me this. I hadn't thought about it like this, and I will think about it further. He didn't say he agreed with me and I didn't need him to. To be asked a sincere question and to be listened to is rare in my experience. It was a powerful experience. As usual, thank YOU, Padraig, for your most thoughtful questions and generation of conversations that feel valuable and enriching in many ways.

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I heard a yoga therapist on a podcast this week suggest this question to someone who is dealing with a difficult diagnosis or providing full-time care to someone else. Rather than asking, “How do you feel?”, ask “What is your biggest feeling right now?”

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I work as a coach and there is a question I sometimes ask when I have a lot of trust with the person I work with - and its a question I know I have not wanted to be asked for a lot of my own life too.

The quesiton?

'What is the question you don't want me to ask'

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